Saturday, July 10, 2010

How Quickly Life Can Change...

Up until about 4 years ago, life was not so bad. Neither my husband or I had any health problems that we were aware of. He worked full time and earned a decent living and I worked and made extra money at a job that I loved. I had great co-workers that were like family to me and the students I worked with at school gave me so much joy. We weren't rich, but we were paying our bills and had two vehicles and could take our kids out on fun days on the weekends if we liked. We could all go places together and often took my Mom right along with us. Back then there were no needs for any pain meds or depression meds b/c we were basically happy.
Then things changed drastically...John started having various health problems which meant missed time at work, more than one surgery, and tremendous medical bills. Then my MIL was diagnosed with cancer. I lost my job w/the school system and started working from home. My husband was diagnosed with depression b/c it was almost unbearable for him to deal with his mother's illness. She passed away 6 mths later and we were devastated. The next year John's grandmother passed away and again we were heartbroken. Shortly after I started having back problems and was diagnosed with depression as well due to ongoing stress and the chronic back pain that never goes away. Moving forward to this year, my grandfather passed away in May and only a couple weeks later a very dear friend of our lost his battle with cancer. In June, we move my FIL & BIL in with us b/c my FIL is also ill now. He has severe lung issues and desperately needs a hernia surgery that the surgeon will not do b/c of the condition of his lungs. Sometimes the grief and heartbreak that has hit us is so hard to deal with. It's almost unbelievable that one family could keep getting blow after blow like this.
Now, John has been off from work due to his messed up knee and back since August of last year. He does get a small amount of long term disability each month but still we can barely make ends meet. I still work from home and don't make near what I need to for everything we need and used to be able to afford. We only have 1 running vehicle now that does not have room for every one in it and does not have A/C either. We can never go anywhere as a family anymore. I rarely leave this house for anything other than going to the grocery store. My depression has gotten worse b/c I constantly feel horrible b/c I can't do things for or with my kids like I used to. I miss the person I used to be. I miss the life we used to have. I don't even have any friends anymore other than my online friends who live thousands of miles away from me. I see where those I used to call my friends can do fun things with their family. I want to do those things too. But, I can't right now. I feel like because of our health issues and our financial problems, my sweet babies are being deprived of doing things that other kids enjoy. I am so tired of this struggle. But, I have no idea if or when it will get any better. A few years ago, I would never have imagined how quickly things can change. But now I know, it happens. I would love to know how to make things good once again...

1 comment:

Katie said...

This is a great, although poignant, reminder to not take anything for granted.

I am sorry for all that life has thrown at you. In spite of that, or maybe because of that, you have always seemed like a strong woman from your posts.